Just Say Noël

I need to talk about Christmas jumpers *rant klaxon*. Time was when a knitted, ill-fitting pullover sporting a distasteful pattern was the plight of Colin Firth and the Weasleys. Christmas jumpers were the unwanted gift at the bottom of the tree (knitted with love by your arthritic grandma) that you had to sport until she'd fallen asleep in front of It's A Wonderful Life. Ok, I'm being trite. But that's the point about Christmas jumpers; they're a cliched component of the world's most nostalgic Christmas. At least they should be.
 
Around the mid-noughties,  at least in my experience, the Christmas jumper gained its cool. Pioneered by the seasonly appearance of Seth Cohen in a 'Chrismukkah' jumper, the OC did for the Christmas jumper what Razorlight's Johnny Borrell did for white skinny jeans. Unlike white skinnies (I'm unashamed to say I had a pair), the Christmas jumper maintained its cool throughout the noughties, appearing on hipsters and the style-conscious but never catching fire with mainstream fashion.

Festive knitwear was always quietly acceptable - you could pick up a winter warmer on the high street without looking like a try hard, but the truly nostalgic numbers were left to those willing to trawl charity shops, vintage markets or eBay.

Other than an ill-advised pair of Noel Fielding-inspired cowboy boots, I've never been a big fan of vintage stores. The clothes generally smell like damp and fit even worse. But when it comes to Christmas jumpers, it's where I've always found my favourites. The jumpers (and haircuts) above were all found off the beaten track and bought for less than £20 each.

Then Primark ruined everything.

Around a year or two ago, I noticed that Primark had introduced a small range of Christmas jumpers. I single Primark out because, in the past few years, they've zoned in on the Christmas market most.

Like many other high street brands, Primark's effort was characteristically cheap and not intended to be taken seriously. They were the sort of thing you'd see on a a guy who uses 'banter' as an adjective. Fast forward to Christmas 2013 though, and Primark literally has stacks and stacks of thin, Santa-covered jumpers, designed with chino-clad meatballs in mind to wear on a Christmas jumper-themed night out. The company's website even asks 'have you got yours yet?' In 2013, the faux Christmas jumper is everywhere.

The point of this rant post isn't to tear into Primark or the other high street brands cashing in. I've nothing against fashionable clothing at an affordable price. It isn't to say that your festive jumper has to smell of turps (who am I to judge what you drink on Christmas day). My point is that the current Christmas jumper craze is taking away some of the cosy nostalgia of Christmas. So why not put a bit more thought into it and wear one that would genuinely keep you toasty on the North Pole or that you might keep for years to come. Remember, a Christmas jumper is for life, not just for this Christmas. And if you find yourself in Primark, just say 'Noël'.

You can donate £1 to Save The Children by texting 'Woolly' to 70050.

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Dear Santa...

Being that I only learned the truth about Father Christmas at the age of 13 (I know, even I don't know how it took that long), I thought I'd celebrate the 10-year anniversary of the end of my childhood by writing out my Christmas wish list* this year. I hasten to add that I also learned the truth about the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny in the same car journey back from Tesco. Scarred on my memory, you might say.

I know it's still November, but as soon as the advent calendar comes out, it's Christmas time for me. And if, like me, your list contains a number of items which would be cheaper to order internationally, it pays to think ahead. For your family's sake, of course... So here it is:

 

First on the list are, unsurprisingly, records. I still have Lana Del Rey's Born To Die at the top of my must have list and I'm hoping to get it checked off pretty soon. My usual eBay store imports it from America for around £25, although HMV stock it in store for a similar price. I'm also hoping to tick off the Arctic Monkey's debut, Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not, and Kanye's Late Registration (remember? Before he became a dick).

Continuing on the music theme, I have No On Here Gets Out Alive, the Jim Morrison biography in my sights. At just a tenner, it would make a great stocking filler - if I don't buy it first.

And what could go better with a music biography than, you guessed it... BBQ sauce? A teenager in a man's body, I've been religiously tuning into WWE since the late nineties and will forever hold good ol' Jim Ross as the ultimate play by play commentator. So, when I found out over Twitter that the big man has his own brand of 'Bar-B-Q' sauce, it had to go on my list. You can find it for just £3.99 a bottle over on American Soda.

Another small bottle of joy, but not quite so cheap, is my favourite aftershave: Le Male by Jean Paul Gaultier. I've been wearing it since I was 16 and no Christmas would be complete with topping up the supply store.

A little off the general Christmas track, I've been hoping to see Book of Mormon since it arrived on the West End earlier this year. Wouldn't it be nice if tickets turned up come Christmas morning? Mormons do Christmas, right?

Generally, when I can't think of anything that I'd like for Christmas, a trip to the January sales is the way forward. This year is clearly different, but if I do pop to the sales, I'll be on the look out for a pair of Chelsea boots. Office do a pair by their house brand, Ask The Missus,  for £74.99. Not the most outrageous price to pay.

And finally, the present I always wanted but never got (woe is me), a Mr Frosty ice lolly maker. I'll always remember the advert jingle; 'Mr Frosty is such fun, he makes treats for everyone.' 

Maybe, just maybe, this year's the year...

*very much wishes and not all realistic

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