In Defence Of Male Emotion

If this isn't the first post you've ever read on my blog, you'll know that I generally try to keep things nice and light-hearted on here. BBQ sauce, records and places of interest - that kind of thing. But this week I saw something a little more important that I felt the need to write about. It was a video.

When I first toyed with the idea of creating a blog, a couple of female friends - who write their own blogs and read countless others - said that the main reason they would read it was because they were interested to see what goes through the mind of a guy. That thought came to mind when I was deciding whether writing about the video was something I wanted to put out on the internet. Because the video has everything to do with the mind of a guy.

The clip I saw was the trailer for a new documentary film being released this year by the Representation Project, entitled The Mask You Live In. If you'd like to see it before reading on, you can watch it here. It's essentially a film designed to question the way society raises men... or more importantly, 'men'. It's worth me mentioning at this point that I expect the film to be equally as heavy-handed and sensationalist as the Representation Project's first production, MissRepresentation, which explores the affect that the media's portrayal of women has on the way young girls view themselves. However, when you put the high school drama class techniques (see trailer) aside and focus on the unofficial strapline that, emotionally, there's something wrong with what we do to boys before they become men, there's a huge amount I agree with. And I don't think a lot of men would be comfortable saying that.

From my experience, for a boy, showing emotion has always been considered a sign of weakness. When you get beyond a certain age, roughly eight or nine year's old, displaying your emotion is seized upon by other boys, and some girls. So boys, and later men, learn to hide what they are feeling. And, most importantly, they don't discuss it with other men.

Men and women go through a lot of the same trials in life, but how many times have you seen a man cry at work or at school? Men are human. They feel pain. They feel loneliness. They can have their heart's broken and they can feel afraid. But we ask them not to show it because it's uncomfortable and unattractive to say we're not in control of our emotions. We're supposed to be dominant. If we're lucky enough, we'll meet a woman who can drag it out of us.

Throughout puberty, as boys go through the emotional uncertainties of establishing relationships with the opposite sex - enough to put anyone off-balance -  they realise that the safest approach is to group together around the idea of being macho and, generally, emotionless. Those that aren't are, to an extent, ostracised, which only goes to reinforce the feeling within the collective not to discuss our emotions.

But as boys slowly become men, the lines of communication open up as they find out who their lasting friends in life are. They might be able to engage in quiet one-to-one conversations about things such as stress, women or bereavement. Unfortunately, an air of awkwardness always hangs over the first question. Am I safe to admit that I want to talk? Will you be uncomfortable if I do?

I count myself lucky enough to have close male friends who I know won't be uncomfortable. There's a lot to be said for people with emotional intelligence and they are the people I respect most. Without trying to open up another debate, it's interesting that my friends with the highest emotional intelligence are generally gay, which, I think, goes back to the idea of pubescent boys gathering around the concept of being macho. 'Men' are sociologically taught to be in check of our emotions, to appear attractive to women. Remove women from the equation and, well... Stephen Fry is a very intelligent man, isn't he?

Fry is also a man of the theatre. In my opinion, everyone should see at least one gritty play or film a year. Something that gets to you. I rediscovered acting last year and I've learned to recognise the impact it has on my understanding and engagement with how I feel. Which is why it doesn't surprise me that a lot of people within the theatre community are gay. Within male circles, as boys find their place in the world, theatre is not the hobby most go for. Football's universally encouraged. Theatre isn't so much. Like 'emotion', it's a bit of a dirty word for men in general. Is it because theatre is about accessing and portraying emotion? Probably.

I don't expect The Mask You Live In to break down socially-engrained practices, or to present the argument in the right manner. But I do hope that it becomes a starting point for men to discuss and feel ok about their emotions. I first saw MissRepresentation at a networking event designed to help women support one another within their profession. Right now, I can't imagine an event like that for men where every one in the room would feel comfortable. I'm open enough to say that that makes me feel sad. I'd like to think that other men would be happy to say that too.